The last time I went to CBGB’s I saw the amazing TAMAR KALI who is the punk rock version of Tina Turner. Her voice, energy and passion are unmatched. I encourage everyone to check her out if you can. Anyway, I go to CBGB’s excited to see another black rock artist – I was by myself because none of my friends could endure the trek on a Thursday night. The room was filled with alternative black rock folk — NOT the crazy type … you know, punk-rocked with blue hair and a listless look in their eyes that makes you think they tested every substance in the drug alphabet. Also, not neo-soul-ish type looking like they fart incense and piss ginger tea – just alternative in a natural way. I loved it ….
I got there a little early so I casually walked around admiring the grit of CBGB’s. I locked eyes with a young woman – actually she locked eyes with me that screamed she wanted to grab my dick, bang me over the head with a club and bring me to her cave like a true a Neanderthal! I knew she wanted me with a stare that was “I just got of prison” intense. I’m a nice guy so I nodded, smiling at her – THE DOOR WAS OPENED.
She motions for me to come over – I reluctantly walk over and she puts her hand out for me to shake. She says, “You’re cute!” I laugh and thank her for the compliment getting a better look at her. She was a thick, tall, brown-skinned girl with so much make-up that she looked like she dipped her face in a bowl of light-brown chocolate frosting – Momma was painted! She had fire-engine-my-coochie-is-on-fire RED, RED, RED lipstick spread over her healthy lips … I have a slight issue with women of color in hot-whore red lipstick… I think the skin tone throws it off — earth tones ladies! But I digress … she was tossing a crown of lovely locs down to her shoulders that were an odd contrast with pounds of make-up and hot-strumpet lipstick. She would’ve been more attractive if she wasn’t BEAT FOR THE GODS (translation – too much make-up on!). Very interesting girl … she pats a seat next to her and insists that I sit down.
“Who are you here with?” She demands to know.
“By myself.”
“Really? Do you have a girlfriend?” Her eyes spread over her face like two tablespoons of butter on Aunt Jemima pancakes waiting for my answer. This always confuses me when straight women ask me this … my gay/bi boys know this feeling.
I answer honestly, “No, I don’t have a girlfriend.” Her butter eyeballs melt and she asks my name. She tells me her name and for her own protection I will refer to her as “Mango Coochie” – you will see why. So she grills me in an intense interview session that made me feel slightly uncomfortable, but I thought it was cool that this woman was being so aggressive. I love women who are out of the box.
After this heavy interrogation … she confirms again that I don’t have a girlfriend. I tell her no and laughing as I’m answering. She seemed to interpret my laugh as something that satisfied her and states extremely seriously, “Yeah, you look like you need some pussy.” I’m thinking … YOU DON’T KNOW THE HALF OF IT, LOVE JUICE!
“Really? Why do you say that?” I ask … knowing I was getting in dangerous territory asking questions.
“I can just tell … my coochie is really good.” It takes a lot to throw me off with words (any of my friends know this), but Mango Coochie brought me RIGHT TOGETHER.
“Really?” She glares at me like I was challenging the worth of her coochie. “Yes, it smells like MANGOS!”
“Mangos?”
“Yes, and I make the best mango pancakes. I’d like to make them for you!” I’m reeling now and trying to contain myself … still wondering if I should tell her I’m not hetero. However, her intensity was so dramatic that I was intimidated by her, which NEVER happens. I start laughing hysterically and she uses my laugh as a cue to fall all over me and mash her bosom in my face. Her bosom that did … I tell no lies … smelled like fresh mangos — picked from the tree of a colonized Jamaican plantation!!! I was DONE! She kept ramming her breasts on me and throwing her head back with wild laughs. I was waiting for her to tear off her denim skirt, wrap her legs around my neck and slam her mango coochie in my face!
I tried to pull myself together and reclaim my personal space that was invaded by her mango bosom when I asked her, “So, why don’t you have a boyfriend?”
She quickly replies like she was waiting for that comment since the moment she locked eyes with me, “Because I’m the best girlfriend in the world!”
“How so?”
“I don’t mind if my boyfriend fucks around — as long as he tells me.”
“Really?” In my head I’m thinking – that isn’t the best girlfriend in the world, that’s the girlfriend with the lowest self-esteem in the world! “So does that mean you can fuck around too?” I ask.
“No!” She corrects as if that would ruin her chances. “I’m a serial monogamist and women just can’t do that.” I almost wanted to explore that comment, but I knew that would get me into some overly revealing grounds with Mango Coochie. The show was getting ready to start and I wanted to be right up front so I could absorb every ounce of Tamar Kali. She gave me her number and questions, “Are you gonna call me? I really want to make you those pancakes!” I HATE lying … I do, but Mango Coochie kind of scared me. That was my opportunity to say I was not one of the straights, but why should I … why should I explain myself for the walking mango??? So, I lied and felt bad saying I would call her – but I was scared she might put some mango coochie curse on me! She was satisfied with my answer and stared at me throughout the night like she was ready to LICK me from my locs to my yellow goodness!
I saw Mango Coochie dancing to the hard core soul-punk music …. I remember saying to myself, “She dances just like Molly Ringwald in the Breakfast Club on the staircase in the library!” I never called Mango Coochie … I felt guilty because I could FEEL that she was waiting for my call with the pancakes on the grill and her coochie freshly marinated with mango! Oh, Mango Coochie …
ok that joint was hilarious!!!
That.
Was.
Hilarity.
-Danya Steele
That was too much. However, people’s egos are fragile so I think it would have been better if you had told her you were gay so she didn’t think it was her. Then again, if you were straight, would you have called her after that pick up line(s), so maybe it was for the best and next time she will think twice about coming on too strong, because like I said, that was too much.
Also, I have had similar experiences! There are times when guys are so unappealing or aggressive that I reconsidered my sexual orientation. Too bad it is not a switch that can be turned on and off. Hahaha!!!
Clay, I ditto Georgia Peach. I’d like some pictures too, please. See, I asked nicely. :)
I’ve got to tell you that you put a real damper on my fantasy life though, I had at least thought you were bi.
Also, I personally find ‘whore red’ to be a lipstick color that looks good on a very, very few…regardless of the color of skin.
Funny stuff, I could almost see it.
Hugs
BABY…..She was giving me too much! I am laughin’ so hard over here! That shit needs to be in print…
“Beat for the gods!”
Why did visions of Grace Jones as Straje (Strange) run through my head as you were describing her?
I’m laughing my ass of at no4real, joy and prince alexanders comments…ya’ll are too much.
Clay….you poor thing, nothing hurts as bad as a woman in desperation. (Personally, my coochie smells like peaches, but I aint tossin t around like a frisbee, lol)
I just dont think you should talk about coochie and food in the same sentence, that’s gross…ok, wait…coochie an honey…coochie and cream….coochie and chocolate….but pancakes…all I can think of is eating pancakes, and pulling hair out your teeth….grooossss…
and the whole, let my man sleep w/ whoever he wants, is the ultimate act of desperation. *sigh**
As usual your writing is impeccable.
Man I hate when women of color wear that bright ass red lipstick. Ugh…it is so ugly, earth tones are a much better fit.
That broad was ready to tear you apart. Talk about aggressive. I’ve heard of throwing a few pimp lines a man’s way but DAMN! I wonder how many times her Mango ways have gotten her what she wanted?
Hey Cane!
Wonderful post!m I love how your narration brings this story to life! Literally jumping off the page!! I’m adding you to my list!
LOL… Someone I used to kick it with tasted like candy… I can’t front. I later found out that it was a combination of flavored body oils and karma sutra honey dust.(that was for No4real, since he seems to be looking for a recipe and all… lol) It was Grrrrrrrrrreat! lol
Seems like you have a few fans in here that might also be interested in your ‘yellow goodness’. lol
LMAOOOOOOO!!! Man, where are all these nutty folks coming from? Who’s breeding them???
You can’t tell? You wrote a long azz blog about her. She already put the mango curse on you.
Teehee..that was cute. Boy, you know you ain’t right! Damn! I bet some mango juice on your yellow goodness tastes mighty fine…oooooh yummy;o
PS: My day was ruined until I read your post…thanks for putting my smile back into place;)
Man, you better hope you never run into her on the street . . . with the way she was carrying on, she’ll eat your ass alive in the middle of traffic!
Damn…mango coochie. That was a hilarious story..:-) I hope you don’t run into her in the future. She seems a bit out there, if you catch me drift.
She must do coochie-checks periodically to know that it smells like mangos all day everyday.
And i’m with TaylorSiluwe about the “yellow goodness.” We need a post from you to explain that one.
Clay,
I love your writing. If you ever decide to swin hetro side I will possess you for your writing skills. :)
U r a great describtive writer. Ms. MANGO probably is pissed of you not calling her.
U made my laugh
Funny story. You gotta watch out for those fruit-scented ‘hos, though … ’cause beneath the scent ….
And why she talking pancakes and pussy in the same breath? I won’t eat pancakes for weeks now.
But what is your ‘yellow goodness’? I shudder to wonder.
Funny story. You gotta watch out for those fruit-scented ‘hos, though … ’cause beneath the scent ….
And why she talking pancakes and pussy in the same breath? I won’t eat pancakes for weeks now.
But what is your ‘yellow goodness’? I shudder to wonder.
Funny story. You gotta watch out for those fruit-scented ‘hos, though … ’cause beneath the scent ….
And why she talking pancakes and pussy in the same breath? I won’t eat pancakes for weeks now.
But what is your ‘yellow goodness’? I shudder to wonder.
Funny story. You gotta watch out for those fruit-scented ‘hos, though … ’cause beneath the scent ….
And why she talking pancakes and pussy in the same breath? I won’t eat pancakes for weeks now.
But what is your ‘yellow goodness’? I shudder to wonder.
Funny story. You gotta watch out for those fruit-scented ‘hos, though … ’cause beneath the scent ….
And why she talking pancakes and pussy in the same breath? I won’t eat pancakes for weeks now.
But what is your ‘yellow goodness’? I shudder to wonder.
Funny story. You gotta watch out for those fruit-scented ‘hos, though … ’cause beneath the scent ….
And why she talking pancakes and pussy in the same breath? I won’t eat pancakes for weeks now.
But what is your ‘yellow goodness’? I shudder to wonder.
Funny story. You gotta watch out for those fruit-scented ‘hos, though … ’cause beneath the scent ….
And why she talking pancakes and pussy in the same breath? I won’t eat pancakes for weeks now.
But what is your ‘yellow goodness’? I shudder to wonder.
Funny story. You gotta watch out for those fruit-scented ‘hos, though … ’cause beneath the scent ….
And why she talking pancakes and pussy in the same breath? I won’t eat pancakes for weeks now.
But what is your ‘yellow goodness’? I shudder to wonder.
Funny story. You gotta watch out for those fruit-scented ‘hos, though … ’cause beneath the scent ….
And why she talking pancakes and pussy in the same breath? I won’t eat pancakes for weeks now.
But what is your ‘yellow goodness’? I shudder to wonder.
Ok so why did Rever-rent call me from California to tell me about reading “Mango Coochie” why did I wake up at 8am EST and log on to read this story….WHY is it 8:33am and I still have tears of laughter in my eyes…
Clay my brother you are a true mess!
Wow! I feel sorry for Ms. Mango Coochie-she seemed quite sad…with being the perfect girlfriend and all…..super aggressive. Your words man, you write,you really write…..
As I attempt to pull myself together to comment, what can I say that hasn’t already been said. Mango Coohie huh??? You are indeed a great writer, and she gave you all the creativity you needed. I gotta read this one more time….
There is being out of the box, and being completely oblivious of it.
Damn @ how she talked.
I literally had THIS FACE reading some her responses. lol
OH MY!!!
Great post. I love mango too. Cane you should post some more pictures of you. I am interested to see what turned on her on so much.
That was A LOT. No, that was just too much…
LOL @ the mango scented baby!!!
Yo that was a hot story. I would have asked her what she use to smell like mangos. I love mangos! Can I get that number?
oh lawd. She would have had those pancakes all over you in a minute. Nine months from now you would have a little yellow mango scented baby. LOL.
I couldn’t contain my laugh at work. I see that I’m going to have to read you at home…LOL!
OMG…this is funny. YOur words choices are just out of control. You left the lady hangin’, shame, shame. She really wanted you…lol.
your story had me rolling
that’s crazy, i would love for something like that to happen to me.